*This is something I wrote for a FB post for breast cancer awareness month. I don't often talk about my breast cancer journey very much on FB anymore.....or in person for that matter. I might mention a little something, here or there, but I never really delve in. I don't feel like it's safe to, that people want to still hear about it. It gets old. And life moves on. However, it will forever be a part of me, I continue to live it everyday. So, with it being October, and breast cancer awareness month, I figured people could shut up and listen to what I have to say, at least one time for the whole month, cause you know, FUCK CANCER. Breast cancer awareness month lasts year round for me. I don't stop thinking about breast cancer just because October has come and gone. I still eat, sleep, and breathe it. Every day. Clearly, you can see, I still go to appointments. It doesn't end for someone who has gone through breast cancer, or any type of cancer. It's not pink or pretty. It's tears and scars. So as conflicted as I feel about "breast cancer awareness month," I will take the opportunity to say my bit. At least, a little bit of what I want to say, anyway. *
October. My favorite month.
A few years ago, to me, October meant
crisp air and open windows, pretty leaves to admire and crunch underfoot,
pumpkin patch and corn maze fun with my babies, and coffee on the front porch.
Now, it means more.
It means pink ribbons everywhere. Pink
ribbons I once overlooked. But now…. I see them. I stop. My throat closes. My
stomach knots up. My mind races. How could I so paradoxically be in support of
breast cancer awareness, and advocate for said awareness myself, yet at the
same time get so worked up that breast cancer is in front of my face literally
everywhere I go? I think to myself, “Oh, right, silly me, I almost forgot I had
breast cancer. I’m glad this pink ribbon was here to remind me of the club I’m
a part of.” Of course, the intention of the pink ribbon isn’t to trigger me.
But it does. Especially on the lid of a yogurt cup. I wonder if others in this
club feel the same?
Am I thankful awareness is being
spread during the month of October? Yes, of course. Am I annoyed that I feel
like these awareness attempts are frequently empty and hold no meaning? Also,
yes. Sometimes it all feels like such a sham. Something to fill the space of
time because…. profits! T-shirts with ghosts on them saying “cancer is
boosheet,” pink ribbons on frosted cookies and carcinogen laden cosmetics,
promising to donate a small percentage of your money to funding breast cancer
research or supporting patients and survivors in some way. Do they really? I
can’t say for sure. Do I know better ways if you truly do want to support
breast cancer awareness, research, and those touched by breast cancer? Yes.
I have been very fortunate to know
people who have action behind the pink ribbon. People who support awareness and
act in a meaningful way. People who have gone out of their way to help me, and
others, in their time of need. How grateful I am to those people. I know we all
can’t be those people. We all can’t be called to action on every single topic.
And that’s ok. It’s normal. But you know what you can do? You can become
informed. For real. And that would mean just as much to me. Not in a “Yay it’s
October, I know that its breast cancer awareness month, and I’m going to wear
pink!” kind of way. I mean in a way that will truly help yourself and the women
in your life. In a way that fosters true empathy and kindness for others
walking this path. You can do that by knowing the stats. Being proactive.
Listening to my story.
Did you know that 1 in 8 women will be
diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lifetime? Breast cancer is
the most common cancer diagnosis for women, accounting for 32% of all new
diagnoses, and the second leading cause of cancer death. Breast cancer is
unfortunately becoming more prevalent, rising 1% a year, every year, since
2012. 62 has long been the median age for a breast cancer diagnosis, with a
diagnosis in younger women being considered rare. However, in recent years,
there has been a notable rise in breast cancer in younger women, with a 2025
estimate that 16% of all women diagnosed with breast cancer will be under the
age of 50. Men can get breast cancer too.
At most, only 5-10% of all breast
cancers are linked to inherited gene mutations, most notably the BRCA1 and
BRCA2 genes. That means up to 90% of all breast cancers are not linked to a
family history of breast cancer, and instead are due to genetic mutations due
to aging, your life style, and environmental factors. Every single woman is at
risk of breast cancer, despite not having any family history or genetic
predisposition risk. Every woman.
What is cancer? Cancer is ultimately a
disease characterized by genetic mutations. This happens over time. It often
takes multiple mutations in different genes for a cell to become cancerous. For
normal cells, genes tell them what proteins to make and how to function,
including how to grow, divide, and die. A genetic mutation is a change in the
DNA sequence. These changes can alter the proteins that cells produce, which
can affect important functions like cell growth, proliferation, and apoptosis
(programmed cell death). In essence, cancer promoter genes are turned on, while
cell repair and cancer suppressor genes are turned off. These now abnormal
cells are also programmed to make proteins that call in new blood vessels to
the area, creating and maintaining the perfect environment that supports their
continued cell growth. A few cells become a few more, then become many,
ultimately forming a cancerous tumor.
All types of people get cancer. You
can be healthy and still get cancer. People that have unhealthy lifestyles,
like those that drink, smoke or consume other drugs, eat a lot of processed
foods, are overweight, or live a very sedentary life, significantly increase
their risk. While people who live a healthier lifestyle by way of being
consistently active, eating a well-balanced diet comprised of more fruits and
vegetables, and keeping stress in check, decrease their risk. But DNA mutations
come from a wide array of causes. Some are genetically handed down from your
parents. Some biological carcinogens (viruses and bacteria), like the
Epstein-Barr virus and HPV, among others, can contribute to the development of
cancer. Our stress and emotional state influence our genes and their
expression. And, of course, environmental exposures like pesticides,
herbicides, air pollution, water pollution, and soil contamination (hello,
contaminated food supply!). Not to mention the chemical laden products we put
on our bodies. In truth, no matter how healthy, you can not exercise or eat
your way out of a cancer diagnosis. You can only strive to be the healthiest
version of yourself, so should a cancer diagnosis come to fruition, you are
better able to handle treatments more effectively and have a better prognosis.
Back to breast cancer. Despite the
rise in breast cancer diagnosis, the death rate from breast cancer has been on
the decline. This decline is due to screening, better knowledge on the
different types of breast cancer, and advancements in treatment.
There are many screening tools to help
in the detection of breast cancer. Mammograms are the primary screening tool,
however, there’s also breast ultrasounds, breast MRI’s, and thermography. Going
into this, my top advice is to know your breasts and personal risk! Your
screening will be based off of this. Routine mammograms catch most breast
cancers, giving you the best chance at seeking treatment in a timely manner,
and thus raising your chances of a successful treatment prognosis. There is no
doubt that yearly mammograms save lives. However, mammography is not a perfect
tool. Is there ever one? I read a few sources that estimated that mammograms
miss about 20% of breast cancers at the time of screening. This number actually
shocked me. These false-negatives also tend to be higher in women with dense
breast tissue, common in younger women. I’ve read in many sources that breast
ultrasounds are not used as a replacement to routine mammogram screenings as
the imaging is different, and instead are used in conjunction with a mammogram
to get a more detailed view of dense breast tissue, or as a diagnostic tool to
further investigate an abnormality. As for Breast MRI’s, they are typically
used for those in the very high-risk category, such as those with very dense
breasts that a mammogram struggles to get images from, a family history of
breast cancer, or a past breast cancer diagnosis, especially at a younger age.
One source said they are not always able to identify the earliest forms of
breast cancer, while another source said they do have a high rate of catching
breast cancers early. What’s the truth? In any case, they are deemed too
expensive to do routinely in place of a mammogram, and therefore are used in
those high-risk people in conjunction with a mammogram. And then there is
thermography. I am on a couple holistic pages that scream thermography from the
rooftops and denounce all other screening methods. I have not been able to find
a source or study that shows enough valid scientific evidence to prove thermography
is an effective standalone screening tool, and every source read has said it
is, like all the other screening tools, best to be used in conjunction with
mammography, if at all, and not as the sole screening tool. I am including it
here because I firmly believe in body autonomy and making the best decision for
yourself.
My opinion? There are false-negatives
(false-positives too!) with all of these methods. There is no perfect screening
tool. Do your own non-biased research. Find a Dr/Functional Medicine
Practitioner/ Oncologist you trust. Know your personal risk. Follow the
science. And I strongly advocate for women of all ages to be performing monthly
self-breast exams. Knowing your breasts and recognizing and reporting any
changes you might find can make the difference between catching breast cancer
at a more treatable stage, and missing it until its stage 4. I will repeat,
know your breasts! Notice any skin changes? A new to you lump? Not every lump
found in a self-breast exam is cancerous, a large amount are benign, however
there is no way to know until you seek the proper diagnostic testing. Get it
done. Do not ignore a lump or other symptoms. Do not put your health on the
back burner. Do not try to wishful think the potential issue away. It’s also a
good idea to have your breasts examined by a health professional you trust.
This ensures that there is another set of eyes and hands that might see or feel
something you might have missed. And if so, you can get in for screening and
diagnostic testing hopefully in a decent time frame. Because, trust me, the
waiting game is brutal.
It is especially of the utmost
importance that women under the age of 40 are performing their monthly
self-breast exams. Yearly routine mammograms are not covered by insurance for
those under 40 unless they are considered medically necessary due to high-risk
factors. Know your risk assessment! It’s going to help get you the proper
screening. For those under 40, or for anyone else choosing to not get yearly
screening, a self-breast exam is often times your only means of potential
breast cancer detection…like for myself.
Please remember, early detection
through self-awareness of symptoms, along with whatever screening and
diagnostic testing you choose/are able to have, allows you a wider range of
less aggressive treatment options, better cosmetic outcomes, and significantly
higher chances of reaching no evidence of disease and improved survival rates.
This is the goal, should you become the 1 in 8.
I have to acknowledge, however, that
sometimes early detection just doesn’t happen, no matter our diligence, because
again, there is no perfect screening tool. Breast cancer also doesn’t always
create a lump you can feel in its early stages. And breast cancer is a bitch.
Now, my story….
I was 36 when I found the lump in my
left breast. It was actually my birthday. July 14th, 2022. The second my
fingers found the lump, a pit opened in my belly, and a dark dread filled it. I
went to my regularly scheduled well woman’s check two weeks later. I was
examined, told it was normal hardened breast tissue, told I was too young for
breast cancer, with no prior family history, and was sent on my way.
Disgusting. It took me until the beginning of December to get in to another
clinic. The lump had all but doubled in size. I was examined and orders for a
mammogram were immediately given, but the mammogram was a month out. Beginning
of January 2023, my mammogram came back positive for a suspicious mass, also
with multiple areas of calcifications. Days after the mammogram, an ultrasound
confirmed these findings. Days after the ultrasound, a diagnostic biopsy came
back with the official diagnosis. Stage 2, Grade 3, Triple Positive Invasive
Ductal Carcinoma.
The beginning of February brought a
second biopsy, genetic testing, a PET scan, an MRI, an echocardiogram, port
surgery placement, a haircut and then a head shave. February 20th, 2023, I
started my chemotherapy infusions. I went every 3 weeks for a total of 6
rounds, enduring every horrible side effect in the book, truly just wanting to
die, but fighting with everything I possessed. I had my last chemo infusion on
June 5th. July 13th, I underwent a unilateral mastectomy and sentinel lymph
node dissection with immediate implant reconstruction. July 14th, my 37th
birthday, I was wheeled out of the hospital to start my surgery recovery,
feeling like cancer had taken so much from me, but at least I was declared no
evidence of disease (NED). September 5th 2023, I started my immunotherapy
infusions. I went every 3 weeks for a total of 14 rounds, enduring more side
effects. I had my last immunotherapy infusion on June 3rd, 2024. Active treatment
complete, but still many check-ins to get to over the following years, and a hormone
blocker pill to take.
Now, a little over 2 years out from
chemo and surgery, and a little over 1 year out from active immunotherapy
treatment, I am still picking up the pieces. It’s hard to transition out of
fight or flight. Hard to move on from the shell shock of it all. It’s hard to
sit in the mess of cancer, and really cope and heal. And it’s hard to admit
that fear still consumes me.
Hard to admit because this World makes
you feel like you’re not supposed to keep talking about it. The pain. The
struggle. The trauma. The fear. Speaking on uncomfortable topics makes others
feel…. uncomfortable. And you’re supposed to have moved on by now. You
survived! You’re in survivorship! I think that’s been the hardest thing of all,
post treatment. Still feeling so shell shocked and alone in that. After the
hard of active treatment, comes the hard of survivorship. Not enough people
talk about that. It’s not all “I’m a survivor” t-shirts, feeling like a warrior
goddess, and downing a green smoothie. Though those days do exist. Sometimes
survivorship looks like not wanting to leave the house, crying at your
reflection in the mirror because your boobs are weird, your hair just won’t
grow back fast enough, and you mourn the loss of your old self, and making it
through a horrific hot flash brought on by your hormone blocker pill.
I survived. Active treatment is done.
I look fine to the outsider. It’s time to process and move on. Get over it. Put
it all behind me. I feel a lot of external pressure to hurry up and heal
already. It’s no one’s fault. Its just what is. I don’t know why. But you don’t
know what cancer has taken from me. What I’ve lost. You don’t know the absolute
mess I still have to wade through. You don’t know the depth of the trauma and
fear. You don’t know how hard I’ve had to work to get back even just a sliver of
peace over who my new self is after cancer. How hard I work on myself daily.
Physically, mentally, and emotionally. How hard I try to put out of my mind the
very real risk of reoccurrence that will never go away, no matter how much time
lapses after my original diagnosis and treatment. That fear…. there is nothing
like it. My scars face me in the mirror daily. The side effects continue. The
pink washed yogurt lid still triggers. I will never get over it. And you don’t
have to listen, but I will never stop talking about it.
A cancer diagnosis will change you in
countless and unimaginable ways. And while some of the changes are difficult to
go through and not ones I would wish upon another person, I did vow to use my
experience as a launching pad for good changes within myself, and to grow into
a better human being. It’s funny how complexions change over time. I used to
recognize myself in the mirror, but now I don’t. I’m becoming someone else. I
hope someone better. And I’m still trying to match up what I see, with what I feel
and my perception of who I am. I’ll get there. And I believe I’ll be all the
better for it. I’ll be all the better despite my pain and trauma…not because
of.
If you or someone you know would like an over the shower head self-breast exam placard, let me know. I can get one to you.
Also, the family and I will be attending the 5K breast cancer run/walk at the Horseshoe and Sprout Pumpkin Patch in Centerville on Saturday, October 11th. Proceeds will go to benefit the Celilo Cancer Center. This is a great way to put action behind the pink ribbon.
With love,
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