School photos are in! This year, the school system used a different company to take the photos, and ordering was all online. The photos turned out decent, but I was most excited to be able to try out different backgrounds for the photos and choose which one looked the best! That was a nice perk.
With love, Mama Hauck
Survivorship is hard.
I remember staring at myself in the mirror. hands pressed on the counter in front of me, leaning forward closer to the mirror, until my nose was almost toughing. Really staring myself down. I told myself that all I had to do was get through active treatment. Just get through it. Then everything would be better. My body would slowly heal. Life would carry on as normal. Everything would be ok.
You can do hard things. Everything will be ok.
My daily mantras.
I needed to tell myself that at the time. I was right about one thing. I can do hard things. But I'm glad I didn't know that I was wrong about the other. I might have given up.
I don't know why, back then, I didn't think about the lasting effects trauma has mentally and emotionally.
It's hard enough when you, yourself, aren't prepared for the aftermath. But knowing others are clueless to it as well...It makes life feel like a lot to take on. "I'm so glad you can close this chapter and put cancer behind you" doesn't make me feel strong and loved. It makes me feel alone. In my mind, the chapter isn't closed. Nothing is behind me. I'm still in it. Every second of every day. But I understand that unless someone has walked this path themselves, they just couldn't full and truly understand. I don't hold that against anyone. I don't want you to have to personally understand. I don't wish cancer on anyone. Ever. And I know there is no "right thing to say" to make me feel better. So it's ok.
I survived. I'm still here. I'm alive. And that makes people think the book is closed. The storm has passed. That everything is ok. That I'm ok. But the truth is, I don't even know how to get to ok. And I don't know how long that will even take. Sometimes I feel as if I am barely treading water, and everyone is on the dock, smiling and waving at me.
I wish I could snap my fingers and life would go back to how it was pre-diagnosis. What I wouldn't give to not have experienced that trauma and the millions of ways it has affected my life and relationships.
A woman who was going through her own cancer journey, gave me these mini pink boxing gloves at the start of mine. I've had them hanging in my car ever since. Reminding me to keep fighting.
I'm still fighting....
Anger
Sadness
Depression
Anxiety
Fear
PTSD
Self esteem issues
Intrusive thoughts
Feeling alone
Changes to relationships
Lasting side effects from active treatment
Side effects from my 10 year hormone blocker pill
Anxiety before each doctor appointment that manifests physically
Anxiety each time I have to leave my house that manifests physically
The new and fun symptom of cheek, neck and chest flushing during anxiety attacks
Other's expectations
My own expectations
To find someone who can help me process
While it pains me to lay all of this out there, because people knowing my business is....uncomfortable...throughout this journey, I have promised myself that I would be honest. I think it's important that we speak up and share. I think it's important that we humanize people and their struggles. I think it's important that we educate people on topics they might not be knowledgeable themselves. knowledge is power. Knowledge breeds compassion. And the World needs SO much more of that. When we know better, we can do better....and better show up for those that need us to show up for them.
Finding the lump is hard. Getting someone to listen to you is hard. Going through all the diagnostic testing is hard. Hearing you have cancer is hard. Preparing yourself for treatment is hard. Getting a port placed in your chest is hard. Cutting your hair off is hard. Chemotherapy infusions are hard. Loosing all your hair and being bald is hard. Dealing with the long list of side effects is hard. Going out in public is hard. The hair regrowth process is hard. Surgery is hard. Reconstruction is hard. Recovering from surgery and reconstruction is hard. Looking at scars and your new self is hard. Immunotherapy infusion treatment is hard. Taking hormone therapy pills is hard. And all that comes after....survivorship....also hard.
But I can do hard things.
With love, Mama Hauck
The Goldendale Farmers Market Holiday Bazaar is held the first or second weekend of December. My cold process soap needs a minimum of 8 weeks to fully cure and be at it's best. So I need to be wrapping up my soaping by the first week of October. That means I have 1 month to get all of my soaping done.
Yikes.
Sammy went and got our supply of beef fat from some local friends a week ago. Then, over the course of a few days, he and Timothy spent hours cutting, grinding, and rendering the fat down, then straining and getting it in the fridge to harden.
EEKKK!! Molly is driving!!
I mean, she has been, up and down our dirt road, for over a year now, lol, but I mean, she can officially drive now!
We had the Parent's Drivers Ed meeting last Friday evening. The instructor submitted all the info, and she was able to get her learner's permit Saturday. By Sunday evening she did her very first drive to town and back with her Papa! This is a super big deal, seeing as we live 20 minutes from town. It's not just a quick zip and back. To go from driving on our own dirt road, to driving 14 miles on the real road to town, is super cool.
Yesterday evening she drove me home from town after a dr. appointment. She is literally a pro already. Adjusting seat and mirrors, putting on seatbelt, using blinker, going the speed limit, paying attention to road signs, checking her mirrors. Yeah....she's got this shit.
With love, Mama Hauck
Now that Timothy is in 7th grade, he can finally join cross country for our school! This is Anthony's 3rd year. I'm really excited because they are 5 years apart, and I never imagined they'd be able to do anything together.....but here they are, both in cross country. And in the Spring they'll both do track. I am loving that they'll be able to share this experience for 1 year.
I was afraid Timothy ruined his season before it even started! A little over a week before practice was to start, he badly sprained his ankle. That was a fun ER visit at 11 at night! NOT!! We were afraid he had a hairline fracture in his growth plate, but thankfully two sets of x-rays proved it was just a bad sprain. He was suppose to miss the whole first week of practice, but he insisted he was in no pain and could start mid-week, having only missed a few days.
Now, I don't know if it's because he should have waited longer and he didn't allow his ankle to fully heal, or if it's just because the stress and strain of running so much for cross country is new for Tim's body and he has to work out the muscle tightness kinks in his body....but he's been having pain in his foot and it hasn't been fun for him. He's soaking, ice packing, stretching, putting muscle rub on....and still pain. So we'll see if he just needs some more time to adjust, if his shoes are a bad fit, or what. He was going to talk to his coach and apparently they have a sports physical therapist that comes to the HS he can go see. So that would be good.
Anyway, yesterday the boys had their first cross country meet. It wasn't anything truly official, it was more of an opening fun event for the various schools who attended. They had an open 1.5 mile run where everyone could participate, and then a few other 5 person team runs.
Anthony and Timothy both ran in the open run. The top 10 ribboned. Out of over 100 + people, Anthony came in 7th. So that was super awesome! Timothy didn't ribbon, but he was happy with how he ran for his first meet, given his foot pain. At one point he said a boy passed him and called him a slow poke (totally not cool to be so mean and unsportsman like....), but once they got into the water (waist high on Timothy!), Timothy was able to pass the boy and the look on the boys face, he said, was priceless. So suck it mean boy! Haha
I am loving this photo someone took of the Goldendale team at their meet. Anthony and Timothy are on the far left. We hope to be able to go to the home meet they will have here in Goldendale in mid October.
It's been some time since I've posted fun photos of the goats!
Life feels so busy sometimes, with so much constantly going on, I don't often get to just sit and hang out with them as much as I'd like to. However, yesterday was such a beautiful morning, and I was feeling great, and the boys were acting goofy, so I knew I had to put on hold my long to-do list and play with them for a while and try to get some silly selfies.
Any time spent with the boys is time well spent! They never fail to make me laugh!
