Anxiety and Snowstorms, the Perfect Mix

I hate January. In fact, January, February, and March. But especially January. Anyone who knows me knows I detest these months and wish we could skip them altogether, going right from Christmas to April. But that's not how life works. So I try my best to keep my head down and just get through them the best I can. 

It's been a little extra difficult to get through January this go-around though. On top of it being a month filled with many negative 1 year health anniversaries, Sammy's been gone since the 13th at a manager's workshop in FL. He comes home the 20th. So a full week home alone with the kids. No big deal. Except it is. Because it's January. I joked with him that something bad would happen when he's gone....because it always does....without fail. 

And it did. In the form of freezing temps and a snow and ice storm. One that has lasted days now and has days yet to go. Which under normal circumstances wouldn't bother me so much, because Sam does a great job taking care of snow removal and getting the kids to school safely (because he usually gets off from work with lots of snow and ice). But without him home....that responsibility falls on me....and I'm just an anxiety riddled, 5 foot, 100 pound Mama, who despite having great muscle tone in my arms, still lacks my normal strength and energy post chemo, lol. 

Snow and freezing rain in and of itself is stressful, you know? Not just because you have to devote time to snow removal and the fact that it makes animal chores harder, but also because I have to deal with the school issue. Will the kids have school? Won't they? Will the roads be ok for Anthony to drive in safely? That drive to town is treacherous for a normal driver, let alone a new one experiencing their first winter as a driver.  The kids haven't been to school all week, it's been cancelled daily, in case you were wondering. So me laying in bed each night stressing about the next morning and what it will look like has been pointless because they haven't had to leave the house at all. But the thing with anxiety is that it doesn't care if it's rational or not, lol. 

So all this snow and freezing rain has made us loose water once. That's panic inducing when I have no knowledge of the why and how to fix it. Thankfully Sam called the well guy and he was able to come out and he eventually got it fixed. But anyone I don't know coming to the house to ask me questions about shit I don't know causes me great anxiety. I lived through the experience though. 

We've also lost power 4 times. It always eventually comes back on after a few hours, but try having a house full of teens with no power or running water. Stressful. 

All of this on top of the endlessly falling snow Anthony and I have to keep up on....it all just feels like a lot. Anthony is doing a great job of keeping the driveway and front gate area done. But my back is killing me from continuously shoveling a path down to the chickens and the goats just so I can do the animal chores. 

Anyway, none of this seems terribly bad.....and I know that in truth it isn't....but my amazing ability to think only of worst case scenario and the negative and get myself all worked up and anxious is top notch. So a situation that might not seem so bad to one, seems terrible to me. It's a worthless skill to have, let me tell you, haha. 

These are photos from the first dump of snow on Sunday, after we had a little break in the storm. We have three times the amount now, with a lot of freezing rain expected here soon.

At least we've had a few beautiful sunsets. Molly looked out the window Sunday evening and convinced me to bundle up and brave the cold to go snap a few photos with my phone. The beauty almost makes the stress of the snow and ice storm worth it. Almost. 

On the bright side, we are over halfway through the absolute worst month of the year. And Sam comes home soon. And I'm alive. So there is that. 

He's definitely not allowed to leave again in January. Ever. 

With love,

Mama Hauck

1 Year Breast Cancer Diagnosis Anniversary

I've been dreading this month and all the negative anniversaries it holds for me. Since January 1st hit, it's all I've been able to think about and it's got me feeling so anxious. So sad. So low. Can you get PTSD from a cancer diagnosis? 

I haven't been on FB thus far all month, and probably wont for the remaining of the month, just because I can't bare to have the stupid fucking memories pop up for me to see and read. And because, for better or for worse, I tend to retreat and hide away from people and the World when feeling overwhelmed. 

The 1 year anniversary of my first breast mammogram and ultrasound on the 2nd.

The 1 year anniversary of my first breast biopsy on the 12th.

The 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis.....today, the 13th.

The cold plastic of the mammogram machine. The mammogram tech saying over and over again how she needs to take just one more with the unmistakable tone of concern in her voice. The ultrasound tech slowly tracing back and forth over the lump with sadness in his eyes, not saying a word. My phone ringing and the Dr's voice telling me I have cancer, all the while I'm struggling to find my composure, and failing to, so I have to pass the phone to Sam. The life shattering feeling only one can feel when you're told you have cancer. Telling myself over and over and over to stay calm, that everything will be ok, and trying so, so hard to believe it. 

It's all too much to handle. I try to breathe through the feelings and let them pass, but my chest gets heavy, my throat tight, my teeth clench, and then the tears can't be stopped. How many nights I've silently cried myself to sleep....and how many more nights will be like that. 

It's boleshit. I've lived it once already. I don't want to keep reliving it, but I can't seem to keep my mind and heart off it. 

Yesterday, perfect fucking timing amidst all these negative anniversaries, I went in for my now yearly routine mammogram on my unaffected right breast. I was so anxious I could have thrown up. At any point in time I was mere seconds away from bursting into tears. I had to actively fight all day long, biting my lip, gritting my teeth, just to keep from crying. And there she was, the same sweet mammogram tech. I wondered if she remembered me. 

Why's it got to be like this? I wonder if the fear will ever go away. 

I wish this month was over. Though I'm worried about February as well and the memories it holds for me. I wish I could forget. Or, at the very least, that remembering didn't hurt so bad. 

With love,                                                                                                         Mama Hauck

Immunotherapy Infusion #7.....Halfway

Today was my 7th targeted immunotherapy infusion, which means I am officially halfway. I know this is something to celebrate, and I am, but I am also filled with so much sadness and bitterness.

I know I should be exclaiming, "Yay! Halfway done!" 

But instead I'm saying, "I can't believe I'm only halfway done...." 

This cancer journey just drags on and on and on. I want so badly to be done. I know I'm getting there....I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but it's hard to keep the positive mind frame and always see the good when I am still suffering with some lasting side effects of chemo that greatly affect me physically. When I'm still living with so much fear. So much anxiety and trauma. I don't know how to move past that. 

Anyway. 7 done, 7 more to go. My immunotherapy infusions started in September, and if all continues to go according to plan, I should be done in June. Afterwards, either that same month or in July, I should be able to have the surgery to have my port removed. That'll be a good day. 

In the mean time, throughout these next months, I'll start my hormone therapy pill, tamoxifen. I'll be going in for routine echocardiograms. I'll have my yearly mammogram on my unaffected right breast. I'll go in for an appointment with my mastectomy surgeon and reconstruction surgeon to check the healing of my mastectomy and implants. I'll see my new naturopathic oncologist again to check in. And I'm sure they'll be some other appointments thrown in there as well. 

And if all goes as it should, if all goes well, this summer will see me closing the chapter on my active cancer treatment and I can finally feel comfortable enough to say I'm living in remission. I can begin to heal my mind. I can begin to move forward with no active treatment, just health eating, healthy living, supplements, sunshine, and hopefully with a reduction in the amount of chemo side effects I've been dealing with. 

With love,

Mama Hauck

DIY Immune Boosting Health Tonics

I've been doing a bit of research into what I can do to naturally boost my immune system while on this crazy cancer roller coaster ride. I joined a natural living FB page and came across a few awesome immune boosting and cold fighting health tonics that seemed easy enough to make, so I thought Sammy and I would give them a go. 

**Please keep in mind none of this is medical advice. These are just recipes I found after some time spent researching ways to boost my immune system. As always, everyone should do their own research and do what they feel is best for themselves and their family, regardless of what anyone else says or shares. :) 

Fire Cider. The fire cider is my favorite. It's an apple cider vinegar based spicy shot of fermented spices and veggies! It's been said to help prevent cold and flu symptoms, and to shorten the length of your cold or flu if you do get sick. It's said to be an immune boosting health tonic with antibacterial, antiviral, antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory, decongestant and antifungal properties.

It consist of fresh chopped or grated horseradish, ginger, turmeric, onion, cloves, lemon, orange, jalapenos, cinnamon sticks, rosemary, thyme, and peppercorns in an apple cider and honey base. You could add in whatever extra spices and veggies you like though. There really is no wrong way to make it as long as you have the base spices and veggies. 

Directions are easy: Chop or grate all of your ingredients and place layered inside a 1.5-2 quart jar. Cover everything completely with apple cider vinegar (the kind with the mother), and place someplace dark, like your pantry for 4+ weeks to ferment, making sure to shake the container and contents daily. To ensure everything stayed covered with the apple cider vinegar, we used a glass weight to weigh everything down. After a month, use a fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth to strain the liquid from the solids. Once strained, add in honey to your liking, and boom, done! Store in fridge for up to a year (per the directions from where I got the recipe from).

We've made this twice now. One batch is completely finished, and our second is still fermenting in the pantry. I take a small shot daily in the morning and it sure does wake you up and get you going, haha. The kids aren't fans of it, but they will take it if sick and I ask them to.   

First batch

Second batch, still fermenting in the pantry. We made a larger batch this go around, and switched to a plastic lid with a glass weight.

The straining and bottling process of our first batch. It made 2 glass bottles. Our second batch will make double the amount. And this go around we will dehydrate the solids to make a spice mix! 

Elderberry syrup. The elderberry syrup was fun to make. It's said to be packed with antioxidants and vitamins, specifically vitamin C, that boost your immune system and helps fight off colds and the flu.  It's also thought to be a powerful anti-inflammatory. 

The recipe I chose consists of dried organic elderberries (just the berries, NO twigs or leaves as they are toxic), water, dried ginger root, cinnamon sticks, honey, and vodka as a preservative. As with the fire cider, there are many different variations and other spices you could add in to your liking. You just have to search around and find a recipe that suits you. The kids like this version of the elderberry syrup, but I think would prefer it without the ginger. 

As for directions: In a pot, bring your elderberries, spices, and water to a boil. Reduce heat and allow to simmer for 30-40 minutes. Remove from heat and let steep for 1 hour. Strain carefully, using cheesecloth. Once the liquid has cooled, add in the honey and vodka. Bottle and store in the fridge for up to 6 months (per the directions from where I got the recipe from). 

So far we've made one batch, and that made 3 glass bottles. As with the fire cider, I take a small shot of this daily. I give the kids a tablespoon 2-3 times a day when they tell me they are starting to feel yuck. 

 

Straining and bottling process. 

 

Fermented honey garlic. This is the kids' favorite. Well, the honey is, not the actual garlic chunks. Anthony will eat a garlic chunk, but Molly and Timothy wont. But that's ok, you get the same benefits whether you eat the garlic or the honey. SUPER simple to make, anyone can do it. Fermented honey garlic is said to be a powerful tonic that helps to support the immune system while also staving off and relieving cold and flu symptoms, as well as coughs and sore throats.  Both honey and garlic are said to be excellent antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal agents. 

The recipe is literally just garlic and honey. Though you want to make sure the garlic is organic, and the honey is local raw honey to reap the most benefits. We are lucky because the Costco by us sells large bags of already peeled organic garlic. I would recommend going this route, unless you like peeling garlic, haha. 

Directions: peel garlic and place inside a wide mouth mason jar. Cover completely with honey. I would splurge for the plastic mason jar lids for this. For up to 2 weeks you will need to "burp" the jar daily....sometimes 2 times daily, to release the fermentation gasses. If you do not do this, you will wind up with a sticky honey mess on your hands, so DO NOT FORGET. Burping simply consists of quickly opening the lid to release the gas, then closing it again. Shake the jar daily. Within a few days, you will notice the honey becoming more fluid. You can eat the honey and garlic at any point, but the fermentation process will take about a full month. The garlic will mellow the longer it stays in the honey. Store in a cool, dark place for upwards of a 1 year + (per the directions from where I got the recipe from). Do not give to babies under 1. 

We made one jar back in August and had completely finished it within 2 months. We used metal rings with parchment paper to start, but eventually switched over to plastic lids when we started our second batch, which consisted of 6 jars. I sent 1 jar to work with Sam, gave 2 jars away to friends, and kept the remaining 3 in our pantry to work through.  I eat a garlic clove daily, and give the kids a tablespoon of honey whenever they complain of feeling yuck, whether it be a cough, sore throat, or a general cold coming on. I also use the money to mix with their Vit D drops because the drops taste a bit yucky, and the honey helps to mask the taste. 

Well, there ya go. 3 easy to make immune boosting health tonics. Enjoy! 

With love,

Mama Hauck