I've been dreading this month and all the negative anniversaries it holds for me. Since January 1st hit, it's all I've been able to think about and it's got me feeling so anxious. So sad. So low. Can you get PTSD from a cancer diagnosis?
I haven't been on FB thus far all month, and probably wont for the remaining of the month, just because I can't bare to have the stupid fucking memories pop up for me to see and read. And because, for better or for worse, I tend to retreat and hide away from people and the World when feeling overwhelmed.
The 1 year anniversary of my first breast mammogram and ultrasound on the 2nd.
The 1 year anniversary of my first breast biopsy on the 12th.
The 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis.....today, the 13th.
The cold plastic of the mammogram machine. The mammogram tech saying over and over again how she needs to take just one more with the unmistakable tone of concern in her voice. The ultrasound tech slowly tracing back and forth over the lump with sadness in his eyes, not saying a word. My phone ringing and the Dr's voice telling me I have cancer, all the while I'm struggling to find my composure, and failing to, so I have to pass the phone to Sam. The life shattering feeling only one can feel when you're told you have cancer. Telling myself over and over and over to stay calm, that everything will be ok, and trying so, so hard to believe it.
It's all too much to handle. I try to breathe through the feelings and let them pass, but my chest gets heavy, my throat tight, my teeth clench, and then the tears can't be stopped. How many nights I've silently cried myself to sleep....and how many more nights will be like that.
It's boleshit. I've lived it once already. I don't want to keep reliving it, but I can't seem to keep my mind and heart off it.
Yesterday, perfect fucking timing amidst all these negative anniversaries, I went in for my now yearly routine mammogram on my unaffected right breast. I was so anxious I could have thrown up. At any point in time I was mere seconds away from bursting into tears. I had to actively fight all day long, biting my lip, gritting my teeth, just to keep from crying. And there she was, the same sweet mammogram tech. I wondered if she remembered me.
Why's it got to be like this? I wonder if the fear will ever go away.
I wish this month was over. Though I'm worried about February as well and the memories it holds for me. I wish I could forget. Or, at the very least, that remembering didn't hurt so bad.
With love, Mama Hauck
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