Survivorship Is Hard

Survivorship is hard. 

I remember staring at myself in the mirror. hands pressed on the counter in front of me, leaning forward closer to the mirror, until my nose was almost toughing. Really staring myself down. I told myself that all I had to do was get through active treatment. Just get through it. Then everything would be better. My body would slowly heal. Life would carry on as normal. Everything would be ok. 

You can do hard things. Everything will be ok. 

My daily mantras. 

I needed to tell myself that at the time. I was right about one thing. I can do hard things. But I'm glad I didn't know that I was wrong about the other. I might have given up. 

I don't know why, back then, I didn't think about the lasting effects trauma has mentally and emotionally. 

It's hard enough when you, yourself, aren't prepared for the aftermath. But knowing others are clueless to it as well...It makes life feel like a lot to take on. "I'm so glad you can close this chapter and put cancer behind you" doesn't make me feel strong and loved. It makes me feel alone. In my mind, the chapter isn't closed. Nothing is behind me. I'm still in it. Every second of every day. But I understand that unless someone has walked this path themselves, they just couldn't full and truly understand. I don't hold that against anyone. I don't want you to have to  personally understand. I don't wish cancer on anyone. Ever. And I know there is no "right thing to say" to make me feel better. So it's ok. 

I survived. I'm still here. I'm alive. And that makes people think the book is closed. The storm has passed. That everything is ok. That I'm ok. But the truth is, I don't even know how to get to ok. And I don't know how long that will even take. Sometimes I feel as if I am barely treading water, and everyone is on the dock, smiling and waving at me. 

I wish I could snap my fingers and life would go back to how it was pre-diagnosis. What I wouldn't give to not have experienced that trauma and the millions of ways it has affected my life and relationships. 

A woman who was going through her own cancer journey, gave me these mini pink boxing gloves at the start of mine. I've had them hanging in my car ever since. Reminding me to keep fighting.  

And I do. I am. 

I'm still fighting....

Anger

Sadness

Depression

Anxiety

Fear

PTSD

Self esteem issues

Intrusive thoughts

Feeling alone

Changes to relationships

Lasting side effects from active treatment

Side effects from my 10 year hormone blocker pill

Anxiety before each doctor appointment that manifests physically

Anxiety each time I have to leave my house that manifests physically

The new and fun symptom of cheek, neck and chest flushing during anxiety attacks

Other's expectations

My own expectations

To find someone who can help me process

While it pains me to lay all of this out there, because people knowing my business is....uncomfortable...throughout this journey, I have promised myself that I would be honest. I think it's important that we speak up and share. I think it's important that we humanize people and their struggles. I think it's important that we educate people on topics they might not be knowledgeable themselves. knowledge is power. Knowledge breeds compassion. And the World needs SO much more of that. When we know better, we can do better....and better show up for those that need us to show up for them. 

Finding the lump is hard. Getting someone to listen to you is hard. Going through all the diagnostic testing is hard. Hearing you have cancer is hard. Preparing yourself for treatment is hard. Getting a port placed in your chest is hard. Cutting your hair off is hard. Chemotherapy infusions are hard. Loosing all your hair and being bald is hard.  Dealing with the long list of side effects is hard. Going out in public is hard. The hair regrowth process is hard. Surgery is hard. Reconstruction is hard. Recovering from surgery and reconstruction is hard. Looking at scars and your new self is hard. Immunotherapy infusion treatment is hard. Taking hormone therapy pills is hard. And all that comes after....survivorship....also hard. 

But I can do hard things.

With love,                                                                                                              Mama Hauck