We did it. Sky Camp move in day is complete. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. And if I'm feeling like that, I can't even imagine how Anthony is feeling.
This last week was a doozy. The kids are in temporary housing for Sky Camp, not their real dorm, so two piles had to be made when we were working on packing. Anthony and I went through his clothing. We decided what he was bringing to campus now for Sky Camp, and what Sam and I would bring up in a week when we go back to Ellensburg to help move him into his real dorm. We packed up all of his posters, books and nick-nacks for long storage, packed up his TV and computer to bring next week, and gathered up all of his toiletries.
I knew it was hard for Anthony. It was hard for me. All I wanted to do was cry, but for his sake, I held my shit together. Besides, I needed him to see that it was ok, and to know we weren't packing him up to remove every trace of him from the house. Definitely not. We were packing him up because he truly was taking a lot of his items with him, and what he wasn't....well, Timothy is excited to have the room to himself and eventually rearrange and redecorate. We do owe Timothy that experience. So down Anthony's things came, lovingly packed into totes for storage in the tree fort, which is where all of his legos and other childhood items live as well, just waiting for him. He still has his hat and glove bin in the living room. Still has his hot tub towel and swimsuit hung. His guns still rest in the corner of our room. The whole house is still filled with hundreds of photos of his smiling face. He is not removed from our home, he is simply packed up for a new adventure. I tried to make this very clear to him during this whole process. I also think I needed to hear it as well.
Come noon, it was time to get things loaded. We took just what he'd need for the week. All his bedding, clothing for the week, his hamper, his health kit, toiletries, a fan, his backpack, laptop, and head set. Ohhhh did I hate seeing the car loaded up with all of my baby's things.
It was hard to get going. We all just kind of stood around, not really wanting to be the one to say it was time to go. But watching the kids kinda putz around had me welling up with tears, so I went and got in the car. Sam took my lead and got in the truck. Molly's sweet goodbye had me sobbing in the car. Then Timothy chasing Sam and Anthony down on the quad for one final goodbye had be bawling. I hated the whole damn thing.
The two hour drive to Ellensburg went well. Sam said he kept Anthony talking to help expel the nervous energy. Meanwhile, I had to blare my music to keep my thoughts at bay and to keep from crying the entire drive.
After arriving at our hotel and checking in, we met up with Anthony's roommate, Casey, and his family for dinner. We chatted about the upcoming Skycamp, and then official move in day the following week, and planned to pick up last minute needed items for the boys' dorm room.
It was hard to fall asleep that night. It would have been hard enough had we been home, but it was made worse by being in a hotel room. I so wish his last night before college life could have been at home, but it was so much easier as a whole to do the drive to Ellensburg the day before and spend the night. I don't think Anthony slept all that great. And he woke up feeling anxious and nauseous, which didn't surprise me. But he slowly recovered throughout the morning, of which I am incredibly grateful for.
We had an 8AM check in time to the temporary dorm Anthony would be staying in for Sky Camp. We arrived, checked in, got the keys to his room, and then started the move in process!
The room was pretty ok, but I am glad that it's not his real dorm. I worked on hanging up Anthony's clothing and making his bed, while he and Sam looked over the paperwork, info packet, and schedule he had been handed and told to go over.
Getting his room situated took less than an hour. The only other obligation we had was the Sky Camp meeting and BBQ at noon. So we we 3 hours to kill. We decided to head off campus, back to town, to eat breakfast at our favorite breakfast joint in Ellensburg, The Early Bird. Afterwards, we came back and walked around campus to refresh everyone's memory of where everything was, and we were also finally able to check out the Japanese Gardens CWU has on campus.
At noon, we headed to the Flight Center for the BBQ and meeting. We met up with Casey and his family, enjoyed a BBQ lunch, then about an hour worth of speakers. I'm really glad they held this informational meeting for the students and parents, it answered a lot of questions we had, and Anthony was able to kind of look around the room and scope out the other flight students. At the end of the meeting, we walked to the air field to check out the planes! The whole BBQ, meeting, and checking out the planes took about 2 hours.
After the meeting, we drove back to Anthony's temporary dorm. I could feel the lump forming in my throat. Could feel my chest tightening, my lungs no longer able to take deep breathes. I was clenching my jaw and holding my breath to keep from crying. The air just felt so thick with anticipation. I knew it was coming. There was no wishing for more time, and no stalling. I worked so hard to keep calm and collected. We walked into his room and I could tell he wanted a quick goodbye, and I wanted to honor that for him, despite it feeling harder on me to rush it. We hugged. I told him how much I loved him and that everything would be ok. I didn't completely lose it, and I'm thankful for that. I'm sure Anthony was too, not wanting me to lose my shit and make a huge spectacle of the goodbye. He hugged his Papa, and right as I was thinking that maybe this was too fast and he should walk with us to the car and say goodbye again there, his temporary room mate for Sky Camp walked in. I guess it worked out how it was suppose to....but that pretty much forced the wrap up of our goodbye, as Anthony isn't one to want to do things in front of others, and meeting his room mate in that moment gave him something to do during this goodbye transition. So we said hello to the room mate, turned around at the door one last time to wave at Anthony, and walked out.
I hated driving away. It was one of the hardest things. Every minute, every mile, I just kept thinking was another minute and another mile away from Anthony. And my mind just wouldn't quit racing. Did we really pack everything he needs for right now? Did I show him where his supplement's were? Will he remember to take them? Is he really sad right now, and wants to be talking to me, but can't because I'm not there? I'm driving away in this fucking car. Will he sleep ok tonight? This is for real....his first night living on campus and away from home. The first of many. Everything changes now. Everything. Why's it got to be like this? Why do they have to grow up, and why does society make us all feel like we're suppose to leave? What if he doesn't sleep well and he wakes up in the morning really anxious and nauseous? Will he be able to eat? Will he cope ok? Will he do a good job following the schedule and make it to all of his events? Will he enjoy this week? I want so badly for everything to be ok, and for him to have a good time.
I can't turn the thoughts off. I hate that so much. I silently cried off and on the whole way home. We made it back home at about 5PM Sunday. I really didn't want to walk through the front door and know Anthony wasn't there. But I did. I knew I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep until I checked in with him. His text sounded....ok. That was going to have to do.
Today, I'm waking up without him here. It feels off, and I don't like it. I sent Molly and Timothy off to school. I sent Anthony a good morning text. I sat alone in the house. That's not new, and I like being alone, but this alone felt more.....alone.
I try to remind myself that this isn't bad. This whole thing....this new chapter.....it's not. Yes, it's hard to have your baby leave home, and there are a whole lot of hard things that come with that, but he is on the precipice of a new adventure. And I am truly, whole heartedly, so excited for him. Change is just hard. But he's got this. And I've got his back. And I've got this.
With love,
Mama Hauck
No comments:
Post a Comment