Trying My Best

I am trying. So damn hard.  

I am still fighting pre-cancer health issues, cause like, it's not like my chronic headaches and migraines, myofascial pain syndrome, or hypothyroidism went away during my cancer treatment, lol. Chronic pain is a bitch. 

Only now, on top of still dealing with those on a daily basis, I am now also trying to combat all the ways cancer treatment has further messed up my body. So that's been not so fun. And I don't really talk about any of it much.

It's exhausting. I am so tired. But I continue to be hopeful that one day I will stumble upon the answer and figure things out so I can finally live a pain free life. I've always thought that if I can just not be in pain, I could 1000% handle shit better and be happier. 

I am trying my hardest to do the research, find and schedule with the right Dr's, do all the right things, eat all the right foods, read the right materials, think positive. 

I continue to struggle with my meibomian gland dysfunction (MGD). The $1000 Lipiflow treatment I had right before Thanksgiving was suppose to be the FIX, but it was not. Unfortunately I was in the 10% of people who didn't respond. I was pretty devastated. Luckily, there was manual expression. So then I was hopeful for that. It wasn't fun, but we did it in January. And I was told he got a lot of eyelid glands unclogged. I went from 3 in each eyelid, up to about 17-18. So yeah, progress. The only problem is, it's not only the consistency of the fluid, but that my gland openings are so small, so how long does that last? How long until they start to clog back up? It took me close to 10 days to see any relief, and that relief wasn't as great as the Dr. said it would be. So I don't know. It is "better" but I still can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I need more improvement. 

I go back in April. Maybe I'm going to have to have it done monthly? at $250 each time? But can you even imagine that? For how long? I just wish cancer treatment didn't fuck my eyelid glands up. I wish I knew about it and was prepared to handle it as soon as it happened. I wish the Oncologists knew to look for it, and was prepared for it. How do they not know? Why do I have to learn about it through my own research and why did it take a year and a half for someone to listen to me? Why do I have to educate THEM on it. It's wild. WILD. 

MGD has completely changed how I show up and go through life, and it sucks. No eye makeup. Can't look at my phone or a computer for more than a few minutes at a time without severe dry eyes as a repercussion. Can't cry or I'll have an eyelid blowup that lasts forever. And it is NOT pretty.  I do scrubs, drops, meds, and a heated eye mask daily.  I keep chugging along. Hopeful eventually things will get better. Cause I'm doing all I know to do. What else is there. 

If you want to read more about MGD, you can here and here. The second one talks about the exact drug I was on that caused this. I had one round, and then boom, dry eye and MGD. And none of the Oncologists I have talked to know a damn thing about it. Shameful. 

My headaches and migraines are out of control. I can't figure out why I'm having such a bad flare up the past few months, and it's so frustrating. I continue to go in for trigger point injections from my Naturopath every 3-4 months or so, so he can inject select trigger points to help with my chronic muscle tightness, pain, and headaches/migraines. Sometimes it helps more than other times. Molly came one time, and she watched. That was fun. 

I started seeing an amazing massage therapist, but to be honest, each time I see her, while it feels amazing at the time, it triggers a migraine that evening. I don't know how many times I can handle that. So unsure how long I will continue to see her. Maybe I'll just ask her not to touch my neck. Plus she is expensive. She doesn't take insurance, but like, our insurance doesn't cover massages anyway, so. 

I also just went in for a whole dental investigation appointment to see if there are any hidden problems dental/jaw/nasal wise that could be contributing to my chronic headaches and migraines. That was a cool appointment. It lasted 2 1/2 hours with various measurements, photos, scans, and tests. It discovered a lot. And once I get going on my treatment plan, I'll share it. I am super glad I found that Dr. and am hopeful it is the next step to potential pain relief. 

And I have an appointment with an orthopedic specialist in April. Really need to figure shit out. But it's sooooo many appointments, and half the time I don't even feel well. And its sooooo many bills. Whhhhhhyyyy. 

I am stretching and doing some yoga daily. Cause I know my  hips are tight, and I'm trying to eleviate any pain I can. But it's hard to know what to do to really help? I am also rebounding daily to get my heart rate up and for lymphatic drainage of toxins. I know there are no actual scientific studies to prove that rebounding actually helps with this, but I've done a lot of reading and the general consensus is that it's good for you. You can read more about it here. I am taking Epson salts baths and sweating in the sauna to help with detoxing shit my body clearly can't on it's own. Leo hates that, by the way, because he can't come in with me, haha. 

I have currently gotten rid of all dairy from my diet, added sugars, and I'm reaaalllllly working hard to not eat any wheat products because I have a sneaking suspicion that is adding to my body inflammation and one cause of my chronic headaches and migraines. We will see. My will power has always sucked. If it's in the house, I'm going to eat it. But so far I'm doing ok. I don't want any of these changes to be permanent. My goal is to have a 90/10 plan. But it's all going to come down to how I feel without these foods, and if I am able to introduce any back occasionally without huge repercussions. 

Ok, so take all of that away, and what the fuck do I eat!? It's been difficult, but I'm trying. 

Then there is the mental health. I know eventually I should be talking to a therapist, but with how often I see other dr's for all my other issues, that feels like too much right now. So I've been practicing a lot of deep breathing, and have picked up a few books for my bus stop reading. Gotta start somewhere. 

I'm going to be honest, progress is slow. When you are dealing with daily chronic pain, it's hard to know if you "feel better" because you haven't eaten this or that. And medical issues are so complex....it just all takes time. So I'm trying my best, and I'm trying to be patient. 

Wish me luck. Cause I need some relief from these issues. 

With love,

Mama Hauck