January is hard.
It holds all the trauma of my diagnosis via my first mammogram and ultrasound.
February is also hard.
It's been 2 years.
2 years since my first biopsy on the 1st.
2 years since my first PET scan on the 1st.
2 years since having my port surgery on the 2nd.
2 years since cutting my hair off on the 11th.
And 2 years since my first round of chemo on the 20th...today...and all the pain and hardships that came after.
Sometimes I wonder if there are feelings locked up inside of me. I wonder, if I hadn't worried so much about putting on a brave face for everyone, if hadn't done all of those stupid thumbs up smiley photos to show how tough I am, and just was my authentic self, feeling whatever I needed to feel, whenever I needed to feel it, 100% of the time, instead of just behind closed doors, if I would still be struggling so much right now?
I wonder if I will always feel a rock in my belly, tightness in my chest, and a lump in my throat when these months roll around?
When I think about what I went through...am still going through?
When I even hear the word cancer?
I don't know, but I hope it does get easier. Because I'm so tired.
With love,
Mama Hauck
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