14 rounds of Kadcyla immunotherapy infusions...check!
I have waited 18 months to be able to say I'm finished with my active breast cancer treatment, and the day has finally come! I am SO relieved to be done with my infusions and to never have to go back up into the infusion suite again.
To make the day even more special, I planned a fun outfit, complete with tutu, custom tank top, and head band. All the Dr's and infusion nurses got a kick out of me dressing up, which made me happy. I also invited the grandparents to come with us to Portland and come up to watch me when it was time to ring the bell.
Ringing the bell felt much more meaningful this go around compared to the one after chemo. I know wrapping up chemo was a momentous moment, and I was SO VERY THANKFUL to be done, but I felt upset that I had more infusions in my future, something I had only found out that very morning, so I wasn't as happy as I should have been because finishing chemo felt overshadowed by future infusions.
After ringing the bell, taking photos, and saying goodbye to the infusion nurses, we enjoyed a nice lunch out in Hood River. It was a great day!
RINGING THE BELL FOR MY LAST INFUSION!!!
So what's to come?
Survivorship. The time between when active treatment ends...and the rest of your life.
While active treatment might have been the hardest part of my cancer journey physically, I'm quite worried that survivorship will be the hardest part of my cancer journey mentally and emotionally. The continue self-esteem issues. The intense fear of reoccurrence. The PTSD. I know I haven't even begun to unpack the trauma my breast cancer diagnosis has brought into my life. Healing takes a lot of time. There are no rules.
Moving forward:
*I will be on a hormone blocker pill called Tamoxifen for 10 years. I will take this once daily. As of the end of infusion treatment, I am 4 months in.
*I will get a mammogram yearly each J.
*I will do monthly self-breast exams.
*I will check in with my main Oncologist every 6 months for the first few years.
*I will check in with my Surgical Oncologist every 6 months for the first few years.
*I will check in with my Reconstructive Surgeon once a year.
*I will have periodic pelvic ultrasounds due to the risk of uterine cancer from the Tamoxifen. (Fucking great).
*I will work on my mental and emotional health through reading and possibly a counselor.
*And most importantly, I will continue to work with my Naturopathic Oncologist in an effort to do whatever I can do to lower the risk of reoccurrence. This might include further testing and supplements.
But somehow, all of that doesn't seem like enough. Har far will all of the above go to ensure my cancer doesn't return? And if it does, it's caught in a timely manner? 1 mammogram on my unaffected right breast once a year? A physical exam on my mastectomy and implant side every 6 months? Is that really enough? I feel like I wish I could get a PET or an MRI scan done yearly as well. That would make me feel a whole lot better, though I don't know how safe that would be. Will I know if my cancer returns? Will I be able to spot the signs and symptoms? The fear is incredibly overwhelming. I am beyond happy to finally be finished with active treatment after a long 18 months...but now I'm left feeling more scared than ever. For 18 months I have had bloodwork done and eyes on me every 3 weeks. I became comfortable and felt safe and supported with that level of care. And now? I feel like I'm being given a slap on the back with a thumbs up and a "good luck!"
I know I should be feeling strong, grateful, happy, and ready to face survivorship and life head on...and I am....but I'm also scared.
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