Survivorship is hard.
I remember staring at myself in the mirror. Hands pressed on the counter in front of me, leaning forward closer to the mirror, until my nose was almost touching, really staring myself down. I told myself that all I had to do was get through active treatment. Just get through it. Then everything would be better. My body would slowly heal. Life would carry on as normal. Everything would be ok.
You can do hard things.
Everything will be ok.
My daily mantras.
I needed to tell myself that at the time. I was right about one thing. I can do hard things. But I'm glad I didn't know that I was wrong about the other. I might have given up.
I don't know why, back then, I didn't think about the lasting effects trauma has mentally and emotionally.
It's hard enough when you, yourself, aren't prepared for the aftermath. But knowing others are clueless to it as well....it makes life feel like a lot to take on. "I'm so glad you can close this chapter and put cancer behind you" doesn't make me feel strong and loved. It makes me feel alone. In my mind, the chapter isn't closed. Nothing is behind me. I'm still in it. Every second of every day. But I understand that unless someone has walked this path themselves, they just couldn't full and truly understand. I don't hold that against anyone. I don't want you to have to personally understand. I don't wish cancer on anyone. Ever. And I know there are no "right things to say" to make me feel better. So it's ok.
I survived. I'm still here. I'm alive. And that makes people think the book is closed. The storm has passed. That everything is ok. That I'm ok. But truth is, I don't even know how to get to ok. And I don't know how long that will even take. Sometimes I feel as if I'm barely treading water, and everyone is on the dock smiling and waving at me.
I wish I could snap my fingers and life would go back to how it was pre-diagnosis. What I wouldn't give to not have experienced that trauma and the millions of ways it has affected my life and relationships.
A woman who was going through her own cancer journey, gave me these mini pink boxing gloves at the start of mine. I've had them hanging in my car ever since. Reminding me to keep fighting.
And I do. I am.
I'm still fighting....
Anger
Sadness
Depression
Anxiety
Fear
PTSD
Self esteem issues
Intrusive thoughts
Feeling alone
Changes to relationships
Lasting side effects from active treatment
Side effects from my 10 year hormone blocker
Anxiety before each Dr appointment that manifests physically
Anxiety each time I have to leave my house that manifests physically
The new and fun symptom of chest and neck flushing during anxiety attacks
Other's expectations
My own expectations
To find someone who can help me process
While it pains me to lay all of this out there, because people knowing my business is....uncomfortable.....throughout this journey, I have promised myself that I'd be honest. I think it's important that we speak up and share. I think it's important that we humanize people and their struggles. I think it's important that we educate people on topics they might not be knowledgeable on themselves. Knowledge is power. Knowledge breeds compassion. And the World needs SO much more of that. When we know better, we can do better...and show up better for those that need us to show up for them.
Loosing your hair is hard. Chemo is hard. Dealing with side effects is hard. Surgery is hard. Recovering from surgery is hard. Looking at scars is hard. Immunotherapy infusion treatment is hard. Taking hormone therapy pills is hard. And survivorship....also hard.
But I can do hard things.
With love, Mama Hauck
