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Thursday, January 18, 2024

Anxiety and Snowstorms, the Perfect Mix

I hate January. In fact, January, February, and March. But especially January. Anyone who knows me knows I detest these months and wish we could skip them altogether, going right from Christmas to April. But that's not how life works. So I try my best to keep my head down and just get through them the best I can. 

It's been a little extra difficult to get through January this go-around though. On top of it being a month filled with many negative 1 year health anniversaries, Sammy's been gone since the 13th at a manager's workshop in FL. He comes home the 20th. So a full week home alone with the kids. No big deal. Except it is. Because it's January. I joked with him that something bad would happen when he's gone....because it always does....without fail

And it did. In the form of freezing temps and a snow and ice storm. One that has lasted days now and has days yet to go. Which under normal circumstances wouldn't bother me so much, because Sam does a great job taking care of snow removal and getting the kids to school safely (because he usually gets off from work with lots of snow and ice). But without him home....that responsibility falls on me....and I'm just an anxiety riddled, 5 foot, 100 pound Mama, who despite having great muscle tone in my arms, still lacks my normal strength and energy post chemo, lol. 

Snow and freezing rain in and of itself is stressful, you know? Not just because you have to devote time to snow removal and the fact that it makes animal chores harder, but also because I have to deal with the school issue. Will the kids have school? Won't they? Will the roads be ok for Anthony to drive in safely? That drive to town is treacherous for a normal driver, let alone a new one experiencing their first winter as a driver.  The kids haven't been to school all week, it's been cancelled daily, in case you were wondering. So me laying in bed each night stressing about the next morning and what it will look like has been pointless because they haven't had to leave the house at all. But the thing with anxiety is that it doesn't care if it's rational or not, lol. 

So all this snow and freezing rain has made us loose water once. That's panic inducing when I have no knowledge of the why and how to fix it. Thankfully Sam called the well guy and he was able to come out and he eventually got it fixed. But anyone I don't know coming to the house to ask me questions about shit I don't know causes me great anxiety. I lived through the experience though. 

We've also lost power 4 times. It always eventually comes back on after a few hours, but try having a house full of teens with no power or running water. Stressful. 

All of this on top of the endlessly falling snow Anthony and I have to keep up on....it all just feels like a lot. Anthony is doing a great job of keeping the driveway and front gate area done. But my back is killing me from continuously shoveling a path down to the chickens and the goats just so I can do the animal chores. 

Anyway, none of this seems terribly bad.....and I know that in truth it isn't....but my amazing ability to think only of worst case scenario and the negative and get myself all worked up and anxious is top notch. So a situation that might not seem so bad to one, seems terrible to me. It's a worthless skill to have, let me tell you, haha. 

These are photos from the first dump of snow on Sunday, after we had a little break in the storm. We have three times the amount now, with a lot of freezing rain expected here soon.


At least we've had a few beautiful sunsets. Molly looked out the window Sunday evening and convinced me to bundle up and brave the cold to go snap a few photos with my phone. The beauty almost makes the stress of the snow and ice storm worth it. Almost


On the bright side, we are over halfway through the absolute worst month of the year. And Sam comes home soon. And I'm alive. So there is that. 

He's definitely not allowed to leave again in January. Ever. 

With love,
Mama Hauck

Saturday, January 13, 2024

1 Year Breast Cancer Diagnosis Anniversary

I've been dreading this month and all the negative anniversaries it holds for me. Since January 1st hit, it's all I've been able to think about and it's got me feeling so anxious. So sad. So low. Can you get PTSD from a cancer diagnosis? 

I haven't been on FB thus far all month, and probably wont for the remaining of the month, just because I can't bare to have the stupid fucking memories pop up for me to see and read. And because, for better or for worse, I tend to retreat and hide away from people and the World when feeling overwhelmed. 

The 1 year anniversary of my first breast mammogram and ultrasound on the 2nd.

The 1 year anniversary of my first breast biopsy on the 12th.

The 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis.....today, the 13th.

The cold plastic of the mammogram machine. The mammogram tech saying over and over again how she needs to take just one more with the unmistakable tone of concern in her voice. The ultrasound tech slowly tracing back and forth over the lump with sadness in his eyes, not saying a word. My phone ringing and the Dr's voice telling me I have cancer, all the while I'm struggling to find my composure, and failing to, so I have to pass the phone to Sam. The life shattering feeling only one can feel when you're told you have cancer. Telling myself over and over and over to stay calm, that everything will be ok, and trying so, so hard to believe it. 

It's all too much to handle. I try to breathe through the feelings and let them pass, but my chest gets heavy, my throat tight, my teeth clench, and then the tears can't be stopped. How many nights I've silently cried myself to sleep....and how many more nights will be like that. 

It's boleshit. I've lived it once already. I don't want to keep reliving it, but I can't seem to keep my mind and heart off it. 


Yesterday, perfect fucking timing amidst all these negative anniversaries, I went in for my now yearly routine mammogram on my unaffected right breast. I was so anxious I could have thrown up. At any point in time I was mere seconds away from bursting into tears. I had to actively fight all day long, biting my lip, gritting my teeth, just to keep from crying. And there she was, the same sweet mammogram tech. I wondered if she remembered me. 

Why's it got to be like this? I wonder if the fear will ever go away. 

I wish this month was over. Though I'm worried about February as well and the memories it holds for me. I wish I could forget. Or, at the very least, that remembering didn't hurt so bad. 

With love,                                                                                                         Mama Hauck

Monday, January 8, 2024

Immunotherapy Infusion #7.....Halfway

Today was my 7th targeted immunotherapy infusion, which means I am officially halfway. I know this is something to celebrate, and I am, but I am also filled with so much sadness and bitterness.

I know I should be exclaiming, "Yay! Halfway done!" 

But instead I'm saying, "I can't believe I'm only halfway done...." 

This cancer journey just drags on and on and on. I want so badly to be done. I know I'm getting there....I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but it's hard to keep the positive mind frame and always see the good when I am still suffering with some lasting side effects of chemo that greatly affect me physically. When I'm still living with so much fear. So much anxiety and trauma. I don't know how to move past that. 

Anyway. 7 done, 7 more to go. My immunotherapy infusions started in September, and if all continues to go according to plan, I should be done in June. Afterwards, either that same month or in July, I should be able to have the surgery to have my port removed. That'll be a good day. 

In the mean time, throughout these next months, I'll start my hormone therapy pill, tamoxifen. I'll be going in for routine echocardiograms. I'll have my yearly mammogram on my unaffected right breast. I'll go in for an appointment with my mastectomy surgeon and reconstruction surgeon to check the healing of my mastectomy and implants. I'll see my new naturopathic oncologist again to check in. And I'm sure they'll be some other appointments thrown in there as well. 

And if all goes as it should, if all goes well, this summer will see me closing the chapter on my active cancer treatment and I can finally feel comfortable enough to say I'm living in remission. I can begin to heal my mind. I can begin to move forward with no active treatment, just health eating, healthy living, supplements, sunshine, and hopefully with a reduction in the amount of chemo side effects I've been dealing with. 


With love,
Mama Hauck