Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Dear Molly

Dear Molly, 

Sometimes I feel like you are unintentionally overlooked a bit because of your independent nature and being the middle child. I am so sorry. I don't mean to. I know you feel stuck in the middle. 

Anthony is the oldest and circumstances always arise for him to do different things because he is the oldest. I know and trust a lot of his friends' parents and so I am more inclined to say yes to different activities that come up for him.  He has always been the first, and so he paves the way and I am learning right along with him what it takes to be a Mama to a kiddo his age. Often times I feel lost, not knowing what in the hell I'm doing, so I spend extra time with him, making sure I get things right. I also spend a mass amount of time working with him on Cub Scouts items and homework. 

Timothy is the youngest and not in school yet; he is with me ALL the time, attached to my hip, a bit spoiled, I admit, because he is "the baby." He runs to the open spot on my lap. Because he is up first, he fills the nook between Papa and I on weekend mornings in bed. Because he is home with me all the time, he does everything with me...grocery shopping, library, lunch out, painting, walks, etc.  

And then there's you. Stuck in the middle. Not the oldest and able to go off and do all these things yet, but also not the youngest and home with me all the time. You are the most independent, watching and learning the ropes from your brother...you already know what's up by the time I'm ready to address something with you; you "already know." I don't have to hound you to do your homework, you sit down and do it all on your own. I don't have to hound you to do your reading. I look over and you've already got a book. You LIKE to do your homework and you don't often ask for homework help; you get the job done and get it done well. You don't often come complaining to me that you're bored and looking for something to do; you're off doing your own thing...singing your own songs, dancing your own dance. You don't ask for much. You don't whine much. You're not the squeaky wheel. 

I know you don't always feel heard, but I hear you. I know you don't always feel seen, but I see you. I know you feel stuck between the two that seem to get more of my attention, and my heart aches thinking you feel left out. It's not a nice feeling, is it? I know. 

On Sunday when I asked who would like to stick around and help me with my photo shoot, you were the first to jump up and offer help. It was cold, windy, and rainy, yet you stuck it out and helped me. Then afterwards, when I asked who wanted to go grocery shopping with me, you were the first to say yes. And so we went grocery shopping where we both agonized over the perfect spring dress for you and then what lego set you were going to spend your money on. Afterwards we went to Double Berry where we loaded up on ice cream. On the way home, you told me how it was the best day ever and you had so much fun with me. I cried.  It was the best day ever for me too, Sweet Pea. It made my heart so happy to spend that time with you; just you. 

I will do better. I will try harder. I will listen more. I will seek you out more. I will include you more. I will ask more of the right questions. I will sit with you more. I will snuggle with you more. I will hold that hug just a little bit longer. I will say yes more when you ask if you can help me. I will make more of an effort. I will do better to carve out the time. 

I love you all equally, but it's hard to juggle my time equally between you three. I try my best, but I feel as if I am failing you in this aspect. I promise to do better. 

Time keeps marching on and you continue to grow. I don't want to look back on these years and feel like I missed out on watching you blossom. I don't want you growing up not telling me things because you think I'm too busy to listen. I don't want you not bothering to ask me because you're so independent and you know you'll just figure it out on your own somehow. 

I am your Mama, and I love you more than anything. We are in this life together. I'm not too busy to listen. You can always tell me and ask me anything. You can always come to me. I will always help. I will always, always, always make the time. 

I know that if I want to be included in your life later, I need to be more present now. 

I love you, Molly Lynn Elizabeth. 

With love,
Mama Hauck

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