There are many things in life that keep vying for the spotlight and I continue to struggle with finding a balance. If I concentrate on one thing, another thing gets pushed to the back burner and neglected. If I'm concentrating on Cub Scouts, then the painting I need to get done to fill custom orders just simple doesn't get done and I have to tuck my tail between my legs and tell people I'm sorry about my lack of ability to get their stuff done in a timely fashion. If I'm finally working on getting custom orders filled and prepping for the start of the Farmers Market, then I fall behind in what I need to be doing for Cub Scouts and then all hell breaks loose with that. And lets not forget the everyday things like cooking, keeping up with all the housework, maintaining relationships with my friends, doing things for myself happiness and health wise, and giving my children the attention they need and deserve. And my blog. My most sacred keeper of memories.
I'm trying my best to keep marching forward, toward the light of peace, balance, and happiness, but I feel stuck. I think maybe something has to go, but hell if I know what I should be giving up. Every option leaves me disappointing someone. Why is it such a struggle to find balance? Why do I constantly struggle with it? Why can't I just figure out what decisions need to be made, cut the cord to stress, and move forward with peace?
People tell me to focus on myself and my family and make decisions off of that.....but why does that still not make the decisions clear?
Cub Scouts is for my son. I do it for him. And for all those other boys who I have come to care for. If I quit that, who will do it for him? For them? So far there are few people who are willing to step up to the plate. Cub Scouts is hard work when you feel like you lacking the help you need. It's a lot more work than I thought it was going to be.....that is, if you're doing it right. I don't want to disappoint Anthony, the other boys in my Den, or the Pack as a whole, but I'm really feeling the stress and I wonder how much longer I can continue on like I am. If I could just stick to my role as Den Leader, I might be alright, but I have my hand in pretty much every aspect of it in some way, shape, or form, and that is where my stress comes from. Cub Scouting brings me great fun, joy and satisfaction, and I do kick butt at it....but Cub Scouting also brings me all that unneeded stress. Being a Leader in Cub Scouts needs to be left for someone who is more mature in life, with no young children, and an abundance of free time on their hands. Any volunteers out there?
I do Country Bumpkins for myself and the family....it provides me with a creative outlet, a sense of happiness through crafting for others, and a sense of community while at the Market. Selling at the Market also provides us with extra spending money for fun activities we otherwise wouldn't have the extra money for. Or for birthdays. And Christmas. You get the idea. If I quit that, then I have to tell people no more painting for them. Will that disappoint them? Maybe, maybe not. I know we will be missed at the Market and I would miss the mingling and community. And there goes my extra spending money on fun. On the other hand, my wrists have really been feeling the pain of constant painting and I'm on strict orders from my Dr. not to overdue it already. Maybe a break would be welcome? But the sadness.....ugh.
Maybe I should quit doing photo shoots? That isn't a constant in my life, but it does eat up a lot of time when I do them, and again....the pain in my wrists with holding my camera for long periods of time and then the post work on the computer. I love being able to get a great shot and supply people with memories though, as armature as I am. I would miss that.
Should I tell the kids no more extra curricular activities after school? We live 20 minutes out of town and the bus ride is sooo long....there is very little time after school to do HW and dinner the way we should be before hopping in the car and being on our way to town for an activity. There is no calm after school, just a whirlwind of crazy and then bedtime. That rush can feel toxic to a happy and calm family life sometimes. No, of course I can not take out wrestling and Soccer. They need those. It's so good for them. We most definitely endure the crazy so they can be part of a team. It's important.
Can I give up cooking and cleaning? Hahaha, is that even possible? Stop making an effort to see my friends? Ignore my blog? Quit my new yoga practice and go back to my neck, shoulders, and back killing? To all of those, I think not.
You see, I really suck at finding balance. I don't want to let anything go, but I might have to. I might have to bite the bullet, make a decision, and just stick it out...no matter who I disappoint. I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't.
What the hell does everyone else do? Is everyone else just as flustered and burnt out as I am? I'd really like to know. Do we all just put our best face forward and don't say anything to anyone else for fear of looking weak? Well here I am telling you I can't flippin do it all. I'm not superwoman. I'm just a stressed out Mama trying my best to do everything that's been put on my plate to the best of my ability, all the while trying to keep up with my own health and happiness.
In a year or more, when I look back and read this post, I hope I am light years away from the stressed out Mama trying to find balance. I hope I made the decisions that needed to be made. I hope this post will act as a reminder to me to constantly evaluate where my time and energy should be placed. I hope I found balance.