Sometimes when I sit and think about the fact that I'm a Mama, it overwhelms me.
When you're a child, you look up to your parents. You think they know EVERYTHING. You rely on them to always be there, no matter what. To protect you. To know what to do and what to say in every situation. They are always the person that just KNOWS.
I took a trip to England with my mom when I was 21 and I relied on her to know what to do and what to say when we got ourselves into a few pickles over there. I relied on my dad to help me get Anthony care and keep my shit together when he became ill during a visit to NY at the age of one. Hell, I'm a grown woman and to this day I still look up to and rely on my parents to protect me and know just what to do to make everything ok.
Now here I have 3 sets of little eyes staring back at me. They think the sun rises and sets with me and their Papa. They rely on me for safety and to know just what to do if something bad happens. They think I know everything about everything. The think I know just what to do and just the right words to say to get us through whatever life throws our way. They rely on me to guide them down their life paths and to teach them. They think I just know. Me.....Mama....they think their Mama just knows.
But if they only knew that I didn't really know. If they only knew that I sometimes feel just as lost.....that I don't always know just what to do or just what to say. If they only knew I didn't have all the answers and I'm unsure of the path. If they only knew it is I who is being taught by them. If they only knew that I question myself every single day and am continuously hoping I can do right by them. If they only knew that I already have a list of regrets and a bag full of guilt. If only they knew that I pray they don't see that their Mama doesn't really know.
The fact that my children would blindly follow me through life, giving no second thoughts, because I love them and I'm their Mama......it overwhelms me. The truth of the matter is there will come a day when I will tell them that while they thought they were relying on and following me, it was really I who was relying on and following them. Relying on them to teach me how to be a Mama and a better person. Relying on them to teach me what to do and the right things to say. Relying on them to know what to do to make everything in life feel ok. Relying on them to get me through whatever life threw our way. Following them on their chosen path, no matter where it lead them or how long the journey was. Thinking....knowing....that it is really with them that the sun rises and sets.
One day I will tell them all of this, and they will look at me and laugh, perhaps not believing one word of it. But that'll be alright....because they'll eventually see the truth for themselves once they become parents and have little ones. And even after knowing and believing the truth, they will still turn to me and rely on me.....not because they feel compelled to because I love them and I'm their Mama, but because they want to. And THAT is where the beauty lies.