Thursday, February 2, 2012

My (Not So Nice) Thoughts on Just a Few Pregnancy Symptoms and Other Things Pregnancy Related

Ahhh pregnancy. I hope this post makes you chuckle at least once! 

Weight Gain, ie: "I Feel Like a Whale" Syndrome

I might look like this:

But I feel like this.....already:

Getting fat sucks. Plain and simple. I don't care if it is because I'm pregnant and I KNOW the weight gain is inevitable and is for a good cause....it still sucks. Especially when you don't have a single piece of clothing that fits. Honestly, it wouldn't make me so sad if I just had something that fit me!! I love my cute baby belly as much as the next person, but I'd like to love it AND be comfortable with it. We went out to dinner last night. Even before we ate anything I told Sam I couldn't wait till we got back to the car so I could rip my bra and clothes off and finally breathe. I was so uncomfortable I could have screamed. I couldn't focus on anything other than how awfully uncomfortable I felt and how grumpy it made me. Pretty soon I'm going to be humiliating my family by wearing my pajamas out in public. Seems to be the only thing I can stand wearing for more than 5 minutes. *sigh* Don't let that first photo fool you. I might be smiling, but inside I'm crying. Hahaha! My hand is strategically placed to cover up an unzipped and unbuttoned pair of life force squeezing pants....held together with a hair tie, like I'm MacGyver or something. Give me a paperclip and a piece of string and see what I can do next! The other hand is trying to sooth my aching back. I need to win the lotto so I can actually buy some maternity clothing.

Not Being Able To Drink

I hate it when I'm at a restaurant or I say something on FB like, "Man 'o man I wish I could have a rum and coke!" Or, "Lucky! That looks delicious! Wish I could have a sip of that tasty Vodka concoction!" Then someone, somewhere from out in the universe just has to say something like, "You know, not drinking is such a small sacrifice...." Or, "It's such a little, insignificant thing to give up for that precious life growing inside you." Or, "What!? You can't drink! You're pregnant!" Really? REALLY!? Like I didn't know I was pregnant, but thanks for pointing that out to me Captain Obvious. Like I'm going to secretly guzzle a whole bottle of booze the second you turn your back because by stating that it'd be nice to have a drink, it clearly means that I'm going to because I don't care if my unborn baby gets poisoned by my selfish drinking desires. Do I really look like the type of person who is suffering from not being able to drink? It pains me FAR MORE when I go a day without chocolate. I'm fairly certain I will survive without being able to drink. And I'm fairly certain that drinking isn't even on my radar. But what's the harm with stating it'd be nice to throw one back if I could when I see someone else having a drink? Just turn around and drink your beer and don't talk to me. Poop heads.


That awful smell in the produce section of the grocery store? It's not rotten vegetables. But don't bother searching for the person who is responsible for the stench....it was me......and I've already turned the corner and high tailed it out of there while laughing hysterically. I can not be held responsible for this gross pregnancy symptom. But honestly, don't be embarrassed. What's the big deal? Nothing to get all worked up over. Relax, it's just a fart. Farts are funny, remember? If you can't laugh at a fart....a pregnant fart at that....then I feel sorry for your lack of humor. You need one when pregnant. Just be thankful you're not my kids or husband. 

Belly Rubbing, Opinions, Unwanted Advice, Pregnancy Hormones 

Please, DO NOT come up to me and rub my belly. I'm not a petting zoo. I'm only saying this because I'm thinking of your safety, honest. ;)

Please DO NOT give me your opinion on my size.  I look like I could pop any day? You think I'm having twins? Really!? Thanks for basically saying I'm huge! 

Please DO NOT give me any advice unless you are my mother, father, husband, midwife, or I ask (which I do sometimes). Everyone and their dog groomer seems to have some golden piece of advice they think I've never heard before and will die without knowing. I appreciate you wanting to share your knowledge with me, really, but unless I specifically ask you, I'd rather just go off my own instincts and knowledge. It was a little different when I was a first time Mama and a little lost at times....but even then my instincts and own judgment were pretty spot on. I'm a Mama vet now. I can hold my own.  

Please DO NOT point out when I'm in a foul mood and grumpy. I'm well aware when I'm not in the best of moods. I know it's no fun for you, but hey, it's not fun for me either. When I'm in a grumpy mood I actually try to keep to myself until it passes because I understand it's not fun to be around a grump. However, I cease to feel sorry for you being around a grump when you feel the need to point my bad mood out to me. It's almost like you give me permission to unleash it on you. Now you don't want that, do you? 

Please DO NOT say something like, "Oh, I know it's just your pregnancy hormones." Do you have a death wish? After hearing this statement I am no longer responsible for what happens to you during my freak out. After all, it was just my pregnancy hormones getting the best of me, remember? I can't be held accountable. ;)

"Oops" Baby

"Was this an oops baby?" Are you kidding me? What an insult! How rude of you to ask such a question. It always surprises me how many people feel it's their business to know every detail of your business. Nothing makes my blood boil more than someone thinking that my husband and I didn't intentionally create our baby. It took 2 years of talking back and forth. 2 years of  praying and wondering if we should have our family grow by one more. One extremely conscious and heart felt decision to have an IUD removed. And, amazingly, as if God himself looked down upon us in agreement, chuckling at how long it took us to come to the third baby decision....only one week to make said baby. One week!!! NO, this is NOT an oops baby. He is VERY MUCH wanted. But thank you for making yourself look like an ass by asking. It made me laugh. Even if a baby is an oops baby, what business is it of yours? Does it make you feel sorry for the person? Does it make that baby any less loved? Next time someone has the gall to ask me this I'm going to fart in their presence and say "oops!"

Excessive Sweating

Is it just me or does being pregnant make you sweat more? You think that's pregnancy glow on my face? LOL, it's not. That's me being overheated and sweating through every pore on my body. What really annoys me is when I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm drenched in sweat.  Not only do I have to change my pajamas, but I have to lay a towel down on the bed over my sweat spot. *sigh* It's insanely bad the first week after delivery. I swear that's how I loose half of my baby weight, I sweat it out at night! It's like someone dumped a bucket of water on me. Don't panic, husband, I didn't pee the bed! The days of peeing every five minutes are gone once the baby makes its way into the World. Besides, you only pee the bed when you're super duper drunk, right? And everyone knows you can't drink when you're pregnant. So no worries! 

Morning Sickness and Acid Reflux

I love the smell of puke in the morning. Morning sickness can go to hell. When the sight of you bending over a toilet or retching in the kitchen sink becomes a normal thing to your kids, you know you've got a problem. At least they feel sorry for me. Both of them see when I'm getting sick and say, "Your belly hurts, Mama? 'Cause of the baby in your belly?" YES. Because of the sweet baby in Mama's belly. Some Mamas will get the pukes, others wont. I get it with a fury. With Anthony I got it so bad I was hospitalized once. It took 6 bags of saline solution with a blood pressure cuff around the bags to squeeze the saline into me faster to get my dying body back on track. That was a fun experience. My only saving grace for him, along with Mols and this pregnancy, have been sucking on lollipops and my nausea pills. And even with those I get sick every morning. It is better now that I'm far into the 2nd trimester, but I still dry heave in the sink every morning if I don't stuff a cracker down my throat fast enough. Sometimes I'm screwed either way. Just the other morning I ate a graham cracker then proceeded to get in the shower and hack it up, nearly chocking on it. I'd have to say that this is my least favorite of all the pregnancy symptoms. 

Acid reflux. Stupid. I hate it when I can't eat a delicious meal without later feeling as if my esophagus is being melted by acid. It even makes me throw up. We just discussed my thoughts on throwing up. Ugh. Simply awful. At least Tums taste good and seems to do the trick....most of the time. And it gives you some extra calcium too, an added bonus. (Don't take Pepto! It's not safe for pregnant women).

All complaining and joking aside.....with all this being said....I put a smile on my face and happily deal with any and all pregnancy hiccups because I know in the end none of it will matter. Not one single bit. Every time I hear his heart beat, every time I feel him squirm and kick and poke back in response to me poking him, I completely forget about all the annoying, not so nice stuff. Besides, I know in the end I get to hold this:

And this little lovely is wanted so very badly and already loved so very much.
With love,
Mama Hauck 


  1. Very awesome post! Definitely brings back memories of Sandy being pregnant with Madie and Landon! Hope you and Sam and the family are doing well!

  2. YES, we get it that not drinking is a small sacrifice, but we still miss the ability to do it, a-holes.

    And yeah ... when I called and told my brother we were pregnant, he said, "Oh ... was it planned?" YES, you dumb butt, and if it wasn't, it's none of your biz-nass!

    People are so dumb. SO DUMB.

  3. Well hell, I'm not sure what to say now lol. Still you're not the kind of person I ever felt I had to walk on eggshells with. :)

    Do people ACTUALLY ask if a pregnancy was planned?? Wow. Nice way to upset a woman whether it was or not.

    I've never equated pregnancy with being fat. As a man I realize I'll never know what it's like to be pregnant and everything you feel is 100% valid and understandable. I hate that you're having to go through these things but in the end I think that last picture says it all. Finding out you were pregnant and that the baby is healthy was one of the most memorably emotional things I've experienced in the last few months. Too hard to put into words really.

  4. PS: How are the Cheetos holding out? Haha!

  5. lol I laughed a few times while reading but it makes me sad that you're suffering so much too! I wish I was there to take care of u and look after the kids for u :/ Ahh i wouldn't want strangers touching my belly either. LOL that's hilarious that you fart in the store, then run! U def. aren't looking fat at all Bec! I feel nauseous after taking Excedrin on an empty stomach and it's horrible, so I can only imagine how u feel from getting sick daily :/ LOVE U! It will be over before u know it.

  6. @ Sloan- Thanks! And we are doing very well, thank you!

    @Veronica- LOL! I'm glad we're on the same page. ;)

    @Barry- Yes, most definitely people ask. And I don't know WHY! I had at least 1-2 people ask me for every pregnancy. In my mind it's incredibly rude to ask if it was a planned pregnancy....if the baby was a mistake, an accident, or an oops. What business is it of theirs? Blah! I don't equate being pregnant with being fat either, lol....It's just hard not to feel like a whale when I don't have a single piece of clothing (other than my sweat pants!) that fit or I'm comfortable in. How frustrating! Cheetos are all gone. I've moved on to cereal!

    @ Jill- Pregnancy isn't all sunshine and rainbows for Mamas, but you take the good with the bad. It's all worth it in the end. :) I wish you were here too!!!!!! Glad my post made you laugh! Love you too!


Please share your thoughts with me!