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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Changing and Rearranging.

I've been sitting on this post for a while and I now want to share it. 

I feel like I am on the verge of something, but it is so much bigger than I am that I can't quite wrap my head around it.  Do you know that feeling?

Like I'll be sitting out in the yard and the sun will be shining down on me and both kids are running around having a grand 'ol time. I've got a good song playing and I'm singing along and then......I'll just have this uplifting feeling that everything is going to be OK. I don't know when and I don't know how, I don't know exactly what I'm suppose to do or what the plan for my life might be, but I just get this feeling that everything will ultimately be ok and I shouldn't stress or worry so much about.....everything. However, as quickly as that feeling comes, it's gone again.

I've been thinking. A lot. There are many changes I want to make and I feel now is the time to start doing just that. I've been having some optimism and self image issues. Not the physical kind, but mentally and emotionally. I'm good at only showing my sunny disposition to people, so it would come as no surprise to me if ya'll weren't aware. I'm less than content with the person I am and I want to work to change and rearrange myself.  I have my reasons.

After much deep, honest thought, I've come up with a list of the things I'd like to work on.

1. I love to write. I need to write. Poems, songs, random musings, etc. etc. You don't have to read it or even like it, but I'm going to write. Whether I post on here or just write for myself, I'm going to write.

2. I would like to take things one day at a time, one task at a time. I get easily overwhelmed by taking on too much or looking too far into the future. I get discouraged when I feel like I don't have control of things. I want to be able to take a deep breath and relax. I don't have all the answers. I don't know how things will go. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, one task at a time. 

3. I'm going to try to focus on the positives and not so much the negatives. Try to focus on my haves and not my have nots. I will work on controlling my jealous thoughts and try to be more humble. I will forgive those that need to be forgiven, ask for forgiveness when I need to be forgiven and then move on instead of dwelling. Positive, positive, positive. Focus on the positives.

4. I feel as if I have lost part of myself....a large reason for my self image issues. My children are my world, without them I would simply cease to exist and anyone who knows me knows I would absolutely crumble into nothing if I did not have my children. My children might define who I am, but they do not make up ALL of who I am. I know I am more than a wife and Mama.....though most days I struggle with feeling like that's all I am anymore. This is an incredibly destructive feeling. I would like to take more time for myself and do things that make ME happy and spark MY interest and make ME feel good because I have neglected myself and in doing so stunted my growth.

Stick with me here......

5. I'm going to work on my self confidence and build myself up. I need to believe that I can do it.....whatever it might be. Like my photography. I also need to not let people walk all over me, treat me like a child, or impose their feelings and beliefs on me. I am my own person with my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I can make my own decisions and intend to do just that. I want that to be respect by others. I pride myself on being very open minded and non-judging of others. I only wish for that in return.

6. Quite possibly the biggest change I'd like to see is with my relationships. I need to choose who is worth my time and energy, who is not, and then cut my looses. Fair weather friends have no place in my life. I don't like being used or called upon only when it is convenient for the other person. I give all my love and go out of my way for those I care about and would like to receive that in return. Too many times I give and give and give of myself to someone only to be dropped and ignored and left feeling like a fool when I am no longer convenient for them or the next best thing comes along. That's incredibly hurtful. I deserve more. I want someone to be my friend for the sole purpose of loving me and wanting the joy of my friendship. I know I deserve that.

7. I will pray for, smile, and be happy for those around me for the happiness and good things that come their way because, just like me, everyone deserves their happiness and deserves to feel content with their life. I should always wish someone well, regardless of my feelings.

8. I would like to strive to be more patient as well as carefree when it comes to my life and more specifically my children. Some things just aren't worth getting all worked up over. I want to be able to not sweat the small stuff.

9. I will work to control my thoughts. Thoughts directly dictate moods and actions. Negative thoughts can act like poison.

10. I want to get my thoughts, feelings, and opinions across more constructively and be more patient with others when they are trying to do the same. I want to reduce the number of arguments and misunderstandings in my life and raise the number of constructive and meaningful conversations.

I have a lot of work to do. I hope I can do it. Perhaps I'll divulge on my list in the future.

With love,
Mama Hauck

5 comments:

  1. As someone who's not the same person he was three years ago I understand this far more than you realize.

    You've always looked after your family and I know you always will Becca, but the time has come to look out for yourself as well. You don't say as much here but if there's ever any doubt, it's not a selfish thing to do.

    I've gone through some intense personal changes recently, it's uncomfortable and I can't promise you it'll be easy. The only promise I can make is I won't bail when the next best thing comes along, because I can't think of anything better than having friends like you in my life.

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  2. It must be in the air, and I don't say that lightly. Jason and I recenly had this really intese conversation about me, my life and what I want to do. This is part of why I took that writing class. I've been feeling very low lately too, and my self esteem is gone. I have a very low opinion of myself right now. I made a list like yours, on paper. They are very simular, that's why I had to write that letter to my friend about it being her turn to make a move for our next date. I sometimes feel like I give and give and give of myself and never get even a thank you. I wish my mom was more of a mom and would help me around the house more and with the kids. This is another issue Jason and I had talked about. I was in tears by the end of the conversation. He assured me I'm more than a wife and mother, and that I am a good friend. I too deserve to have all of the things you said above, and so do you. I'm here if you ever want to talk about your feelings about any of it. Some days I may call upon you to answer me too. It's a very difficult place to be in. I do love your outlook though, and I like that you are going to try to stick to the positives. That's something I need to work on too. Good luck on your journey!

    You are an awesome friend, mother and wife!

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  3. Barry, I believe everyone can relate to at least one of the points I hit on. Everyone has something they'd like to work on or completely change about them/their lives. It's comforting to not feel so alone in this. There's always doubt. Thank you.

    Lori, I'm glad you made a list. Writing everything down helped me get my thoughts out instead of having them swirling around in my head wreaking havoc. Writing every down was therapeutic in itself also. I'm really glad you had that conversation with Jason to. Having someone listen helps. And I already said I'm super happy you wrote that letter yo your friend. People need to know that you can't be taken for granted and you deserve more than what you are receiving. You likewise are a kick-ass friend, mama, and wife! I know this! It sucks to feel down on yourself and it's unfortunate that it's such a struggle sometimes to feel content with the person we are. But knowing what you want to work on is half the battle I think. You know I'm here to listen. :) THANK YOU!

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  4. Wow, I really need to follow this more often! I love your list and like you had said before, I can totally relate to quite a few things on that list you made. I wish you the best with everything and if there is anything I can do, just let me know! :)

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